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    Sting, open up!
    It's bieber!
    Sting! Come on! Sting!
    It's bieber, bro!
    Open the door!
    Oh, fudge!
    You can't kill us all.
    We will protect
    the chosen one.
    Peace out, world.
    Peace out.
    he was pronounced dead
    13 minutes ago.
    I can't believe it.
    Justin bieber?
    The sixth pop star
    to die in the last year.
    And all with that look.
    As if they were
    trying to tell us something.
    That look.
    There's only one person
    on earth
    who would know
    how to interpret this look.
    It's a dead end,
    No one has seen
    that man in years.
    Then god help us all.
    Shocking. Stupefying.
    Something out of a Hollywood
    disaster movie.
    Just a few of the ways
    new yorkers described
    what happened today
    as Derek zoolander's
    center for kids
    who can't read good
    and who wanna learn to do
    other stuff good, too
    literally collapsed
    into the east river
    only two days after
    its official opening.
    Students and teachers
    were evacuated.
    And while
    zoolander and his son,
    Derek Jr., were unharmed,
    sadly, his wife,
    Matilda jeffries-zoolander,
    has reportedly died.
    I just feel lucky no one
    from my family was hurt!
    She was crushed by the book?
    A vigil is being held tonight
    for the other
    chisel-cheeked lion
    of the modeling kingdom,
    hansel, who is reported
    to have sustained
    permanent injury
    to his breathtaking face
    after being trapped
    beneath a burning beam.
    Although authorities
    are still investigating,
    the cause of the disaster
    is believed to be
    mind-boggling decision
    to build the reading center
    out of the actual materials
    that were used to construct
    the original
    architectural model.
    Clothing designer
    Jacob moogberg,
    aka jacobim mugatu
    was sentenced today
    to two consecutive life terms
    in a maximum
    security fashion prison
    for his role in
    the attempted assassination
    of the Malaysian
    prime minister.
    His co-conspirator,
    modeling agent
    Maury ballstein,
    turned state's witness...
    I'll give you anything
    you want on that fakakta fink.
    ...in exchange for
    relocation in the witness
    protection program.
    Back in the news tonight,
    former model,
    negligent builder,
    now unfit parent,
    Derek zoolander.
    This footage was taken
    by a neighbor
    across from
    zoolander's soho loft.
    D.J., how did mommy
    make it soft?
    The child protection agency
    removed zoolander's son,
    Derek Jr.
    Late last night in
    a daring midnight raid
    placing him in
    the custody of the state.
    Which is why it
    pains me to say
    that effective immediately,
    i will retire from modeling
    and live alone
    as a hermit crab.
    I will now be anonymous
    and known only as...
    And finally tonight,
    here's something
    to make you feel old.
    Incredible as it may sound,
    of the over 3.7 million
    high school graduates
    this year
    less than 2% could tell you
    what a fax machine is,
    name a Caucasian president,
    or know who
    Derek zoolander was.
    Was... was... was...
    Go away.
    Open up, it's me.
    I'm sorry, traveler,
    you must have lost your way.
    No one lives here
    by that name.
    Right. Sorry.
    I mean, Eric.
    I've got your mail.
    Billy Zane. It's been years.
    Where's my regular mailperson,
    He couldn't make it.
    I was in the neighborhood,
    i thought I'd stop by.
    Got your netflix.
    Whoa, Jack Ryan...
    ...and Jack reacher.
    Tonight's gonna be
    a total Jack-off.
    You have
    something else here.
    What is it?
    Open it.
    Gryootings, Derek zoolownder.
    Are you a boxtroll?
    That's alexanya atoz,
    owner of the largest fashion
    empire in the world.
    Because you are one of the
    world's true fishion icons,
    I have personal selected you
    to come to Rome...
    The eturnanal cyootee...
    To muddel my
    nyouest colleeauction
    by my hoottest
    now designer...
    Doon atari.
    don atari.
    He's "it" in
    fashion right now.
    People would die
    to be in his show.
    I can't.
    I'm a hermit crab now.
    Derek zoolownder.
    I already told you!
    It's like you're not
    even listening to me!
    Derek, uh...
    Maybe it's time to engage
    with the world again.
    Think about it, man.
    This could be a sign.
    And what if it's
    a stop sign, Billy?
    I used to be a successful
    model/fashion icon.
    Now, I'm just
    a model/failure.
    Slash-guy who is
    still a model/father.
    who killed his wife
    using cheap building materials
    that collapsed on her.
    Slash-guy who has got
    to stop beating himself up
    about that!
    Slash-guy who couldn't
    make spaghetti soft
    so they took away his son,
    so-slash-now he's alone
    and hiding from the world.
    Slash-have you ever
    even tried to get
    your son back?
    You can do that?
    You'd hire a litigator,
    he files
    the appropriate paperwork...
    But I don't even
    know where he is.
    First things first.
    If you take this job
    that alexanya's offering you,
    you could prove
    to child services
    that you're a productive
    member of society again.
    Go to Rome.
    Find yourself.
    Become the father
    you were meant to be
    and get your boy back.
    Safe journey, my friend!
    Thanks, Billy!
    What have you got?
    Ball and chain not happy.
    Sorry I'm late!
    Oh, my gosh.
    I was finishing up
    and this sandstorm
    kicked up out of nowhere.
    I'm okay, though.
    Ah, natalka,
    you look beautiful.
    Yes, really.
    Dinner is ruined!
    Guys, I told you
    not to wait for me,
    didn't I?
    we talked about this.
    Can't we just
    take it slow?
    When I met you guys
    two years ago,
    it was the best orgy
    of my life.
    Let's get back to
    that feeling.
    It's there.
    Every relationship
    has to evolve.
    And somehow, you've managed
    to stay the same.
    But you're gonna
    have to change, my man.
    'Cause change,
    she is a-comin'.
    All of you?
    How is this even possible?
    We thought you'd be happy.
    Well, I am happy.
    That, uh...
    It's just a lot to process,
    and that's what I'm doing.
    To be honest,
    I've never seen myself
    in this role, you know,
    as a...
    You mean a father?
    Well... uh... I...
    Let me...
    I want to check on...
    On the camel here!
    Who am I?
    Who am I?
    Hey, hansel!
    Billy Zane?
    Got your netflix.
    And this.
    - Thanks very much.
    - No, it's my bag.
    Excuse me,
    i think that's...
    No, trust me,
    this is my bag.
    Just look at
    the ticket right here.
    Never heard of him,
    Look right here
    at the ticket
    and you can see that...
    Derek zoolander.
    Hi. It's been a long time.
    Yeah. Not long enough.
    Now, if you'll excuse me,
    i think I should peace.
    Wait a minute!
    We haven't seen
    each other since...
    Since the building
    you designed
    fell on my face
    and ruined my career?
    Yeah, it's been a while.
    It was an accident.
    I didn't mean to...
    You didn't mean to build
    the support beams
    out of popsicle sticks
    and highly-flammable
    rubber cement?
    That was just
    a little accident?
    This is it. Forever.
    Because I promise you,
    this is the last time
    we will ever see each other.
    Right here, this moment.
    Good-bye forever.
    Works for me.
    Hope you're not
    an epiplectic,
    because we're about
    to get blinded.
    Yep. Here we go.
    Susan boyle, right here!
    Take a picture of that!
    I guess with my beard
    and your disgusting face,
    they don't know
    who we are.
    Derek! Hansel!
    Hey, boys. I'm vip.
    I'm in charge
    of social media
    for don atari.
    I've been working for him
    since I was 10.
    How old are you now?
    Should we go to the hotel?
    Pretty strange, you and i
    both getting called back
    to the big stage
    like this.
    A gig's a gig.
    I'm just doing this
    to get my son back.
    Explain how doing
    a fashion show's
    gonna accomplish that.
    Simple. Child services hears
    I'm working again,
    kkk, a responsible parent,
    and they give me
    my son back.
    Responsible parent?
    What? You don't think
    i could be one?
    No, it just brings up
    some junk from the past.
    I didn't have a father.
    It's kind of my
    big issue right now.
    You didn't
    have a father?
    All my mom ever told me
    was my dad was a beat cop.
    Always on the road.
    The road away
    from little hansel.
    Valentina. You're going
    to want to see this.
    Check out
    Mr. disco Barry gibb.
    Zoolander is in Rome?
    Welcome to the palazzo d'caca.
    The entire hotel
    is biodegradable
    and made from
    reclaimed human waste.
    This is the ultra-exclusive,
    zero-footprint suite.
    The masseuses at the spa
    are all homeless.
    And the hotel
    has complimentary
    farm-to-table Wi-Fi.
    We're rooming together?
    There must be some mistake.
    I'll call Billy Zane.
    Good idea.
    Look, tiny phone!
    That is so retro.
    I'm gonna take
    a picture of it
    with my phone.
    This is Billy Zane.
    I'm not here right...
    Well, don atari
    is waiting for you
    down in the lobby.
    Oh, and don't
    drink the water
    or you'll die.
    I just have one question.
    What in the world is
    farm-to-table Wi-Fi?
    You're asking me?
    Muchacho, I have no idea.
    For serious?
    Because when vip said that,
    you had this look
    on your face, like,
    "i totally know
    what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"
    I was acting cool
    'cause I thought you knew.
    I thought you knew!
    No, I just didn't want vip
    to think I was uncool!
    I miss not knowing things
    with you.
    Yeah. Me, too.
    Why didn't
    we do this sooner?
    Because we've
    both been in hiding
    since the day
    i killed my wife
    and permanently
    disfigured you.
    Oh, yeah,
    that's probably it.
    That was the day
    i lost the fire.
    The fire?
    The fire in my face.
    It's kind of
    my big issue right now.
    You still got it, d-zone.
    You're Derek zoolander.
    You stopped a Chinese
    throwing star in mid-air
    with a look.
    I was there.
    That's not me anymore.
    Yes, it is.
    Hey, flash me
    that beautiful look.
    Give me that
    incredible Magnum.
    Think fast. Magnum.
    Wait, no!
    Magnum! Now!
    Come on! You got this,
    but you got to focus!
    Come on!
    Hansel, stop!
    You have this! Yeah!
    Maybe we could
    try a wash cloth?
    Hansel, no!
    No! It's not working!
    Ah, you're right.
    What happened to us?
    You mean me.
    You still have it.
    No, I don't.
    Look at this face.
    It's a horror show.
    Come on, hansel.
    It can't be that bad.
    It is.
    Take off your mask.
    No way.
    No one's ever seen me
    without this mask.
    And no one ever will.
    I think I know the real you.
    And it has nothing to do
    with the way you look.
    You mean that?
    Of course, I do.
    It's disgusting!
    Put it back!
    I was wrong, please,
    put the mask back on!
    It's so gross!
    I can't be friends with you
    if you look like that! Please!
    It is so disgusting!
    Please, put it back!
    Please, hansel, put it back,
    i was wrong!
    No. This feels good.
    Could you please
    put the mask back on
    so I can concentrate on
    what you're saying?
    No! I'm done hiding.
    Look, there's only one way
    for us to find ourselves.
    Know what that is?
    Look inward and connect
    with our authentic truth?
    No. I was gonna say
    become the two biggest,
    hottest models
    in the world again.
    Okay. So what say
    we get you cleaned up,
    shave that
    Billy goat beard,
    go downstairs
    and show these punks
    what real fashion looks like?
    Oh, my god. Yes, dude!
    Yes! You guys look so lame.
    I love it, dude.
    You ninjas dressed up
    all old-school
    just to meet me.
    So jedi.
    You guys suck.
    Both of you guys suck.
    You look great.
    I'm don atari. What up?
    What up, hansel?
    Yeah. That's sick.
    Wait a minute.
    "I'll call Billy...".
    I just said that!
    I know.
    Like, 15 minutes ago, right?
    Vip told me,
    so I made these retro shirts
    with your old
    catchphrase on it.
    Hey, let me introduce
    my collective, dude.
    They're all losers,
    i hate these guys.
    We got trs-80, kitt...
    Rubik, my man gleek.
    Eh, this guy gives
    the best shitty tattoos ever.
    He's a genius.
    His tattoos are so stupid.
    He's the one who did
    my colonel Sanders.
    Look at that,
    pretty epic, huh?
    It sucks,
    i don't like it, dude.
    Why would I do this to myself?
    I never wanted this on me.
    I love it, dude. I got it
    when my grandfather died.
    That's really cool.
    So, uh, what's the deal
    with the show?
    Yeah, where do you want us
    to fire up this chainsaw?
    Colosseum? Trevi fountain?
    Spanish steps?
    What? No way, dude.
    Those places are
    gnar-gnar Bo-Bo.
    We're holding it
    in an abandoned
    medical waste facility
    on top of
    an industrial trash heap.
    It's totally toxic,
    but super chill.
    Cool! Sounds dope.
    Yeah, fresh.
    Oh, what?
    You guys are like,
    "sounds dope!" "Fresh!"
    They're doing the voices
    and everything!
    I didn't think you guys
    would do the voices.
    That's sick!
    "Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"
    I don't like you guys.
    It's an honor to have you.
    Hey, retreads!
    I want to introduce you all
    to my muse
    and basically, like,
    the biggest supermodel
    in the whole world
    right now, dude.
    This is all.
    All what?
    We are all.
    So, are you like a male model
    or a female model?
    All is not defined
    by binary constructs.
    That's cool.
    I don't like labels, either.
    But I think he's asking,
    do you have a hot dog
    or a bun?
    Do you have a wiener
    or vergiener?
    All is all to all.
    By the way, all just
    married hermself, dude.
    Monomarriage is
    finally legal in Italy.
    I support that.
    Derek, that's pretty good,
    Uh, I'm sorry,
    are you not comfortable
    with people like all
    in the workplace
    or something?
    No. Of course, I am.
    I mean, like,
    if your son or whatever
    came to you and said,
    "hey, dad,
    i really want to marry all,"
    like, wouldn't you
    be so stoked for that?
    Isn't that, like,
    exactly what you want?
    Imagine all walking in,
    being like,
    "we'll finally be together."
    You'd be like hella
    stoked for that, right?
    I'd be, like,
    totally stoked.
    All is done here. Atari.
    See you, fools.
    Guys, alexanya atoz is here!
    The show must begin now!
    Wow. Alexanya atoz.
    They say she doesn't walk.
    She just floats.
    She looks even better
    in person.
    Ah, I got those juices
    flowing again.
    Just put us out there.
    Let us do our thing.
    Come on! Come on!
    Chop, chop!
    Lay down, lay down!
    Get in, get in.
    Take off your robes.
    Go! Go! Go!
    Derek! I have a really
    good feeling about this.
    I know. I feel so alive!
    Ha! Yah!
    Quit it, all!
    Hot dog!
    It's definitely a hot dog!
    All is done.
    So let me tell you
    what I think worked.
    I think we got to shake off
    some of the rust.
    I was trying out
    a few new looks,
    although it might
    have been hard to see
    through all the dates, or,
    was it, you know, prunes?
    Hansel, are you insane?
    We were a joke out there.
    A total laughing stick.
    What do you want me to say?
    I mean, I know...
    I know we
    looked like idiots,
    but I'm trying to make
    the best of it!
    Knuck, knuck!
    Not now! We...
    ...vere amowzing.
    Your fece so hundsome.
    Und, hansel, so stemmy.
    Ridowkulously stemmy
    and hyot.
    I'm sorry.
    I can't understand a word
    that you're saying.
    I want to invite
    you to be my gyuests
    at the most elite
    fishion event in housetory.
    The incrediball.
    Oh, what!
    The incrediball?
    Is that like the met ball?
    No, sveet, stupid deryuck.
    For the first time
    in the housetory of fishion,
    all of the most important
    designers will come together
    under one rureff.
    I trust you will be dere
    with your hyot
    and stemmy feces.
    Dudes. Holy shazbot! What!
    You're guys are gonna be
    the center-pizzle
    of incrediball!
    What does that mean?
    The center-pizzle
    of incrediball.
    That was bananas, Johnny.
    I'm done.
    What? Derek, what are you
    talking about?
    Did you not hear
    what they just said?
    We're going to be the center
    of the incrediball.
    I can only pray that
    nobody from child services
    attended the show
    or I'll never get
    little Derek back.
    What about
    all the attention?
    This is exactly
    what we were talking about!
    No, hansel. It's exactly
    what you were talking about.
    We don't fit in anymore.
    don atari and all
    and that creepy little vip!
    I don't want any part of it!
    Derek! D-rock!
    Derek zoolander?
    Valentina valencia.
    global fashion division.
    Fashion police?
    We're clean, lady.
    Go harass somebody else.
    I'm out of fashion.
    I need to talk to you.
    It has to do with
    the death of Justin bieber.
    His death is not my problem.
    Look, I'm trying to find out
    who's killing the pop stars
    of the world.
    And I think
    you're my only chance.
    What part of "not my problem"
    did you not understand?
    None of it.
    So you did understand
    the part about it
    not being my problem,
    or you didn't understand
    any part of it not being
    a part of my problem?
    No, no, no, Derek.
    I think what she's saying
    is that she understands
    what you're saying,
    but she doesn't accept it.
    It's all too confusing.
    I thought coming here
    would help me find myself,
    and possibly my son.
    But this is more
    than I bargained for.
    This hermit crab
    is crawling back
    into his planetarium.
    I can use
    the database at interpol
    to help you find your son.
    If you help me.
    I think we got to
    play ball with her.
    She's got some kind
    of database
    or something
    that she says
    will help us
    find little Derek.
    And she's hot.
    I trust her.
    So, before bieber died,
    he twitpic'd this look.
    He posted it to the blogspot
    for his summer concert tour.
    He was trying
    to send a message.
    It's blue steel, right?
    What are you,
    a fucking idiot?
    Yeah, that's blue steel.
    My question is,
    is interpol one of
    those socialist things
    where they hire
    mentally-impaired people?
    I... I know.
    That's right.
    I heard your mother
    worked here.
    Oh, snap!
    My mother
    doesn't work here.
    No more games, okay?
    Is this blue steel or not?
    Not even close.
    I knew what it was
    the moment I saw it.
    It's an old one...
    From the 90s.
    It was for a body lotion
    campaign I did.
    I called it "aqua vitae".
    Young forever.
    Still holds up.
    Notice the curvature
    of my right eyebrow.
    It's night and day
    from blue steel.
    He's right.
    When I overlay them,
    there are over 14,000
    different facial anomalies.
    I had no idea there was
    so much subtlety involved.
    Please accept my apologies,
    None taken.
    Filippo, we need to find
    everything there is
    on aqua vitae.
    Hold on a second, lady.
    A deal's a deal.
    Now, you help me
    find my son.
    His name is Derek Jr.?
    Have you ever facebooked him?
    No, thanks.
    Matilda facebooked...
    ...and it killed her.
    Found him.
    He's at the orphanage
    del piccolo cletusi.
    In Rome.
    Wait. What?
    He's in Rome.
    That's convenient.
    So we can hit that party
    at the incrediball.
    A little too convenient.
    Someone wants you here, guys.
    But who?
    Listen to me.
    Be careful
    at the orphanage.
    And trust no one
    at house of atoz.
    I'll see what I can find.
    Thanks for coming with me.
    I feel kind of nervous.
    Hey. You're showing up.
    Feel good.
    That must be him.
    He's even more gorgeous
    than I imagined.
    You're a lucky man.
    You there. Boy.
    What's his name?
    That's fabrizio.
    What a beautiful name.
    He used to be
    called Derek Jr.
    Really? That's strange,
    'cause that's my name.
    Bye, mister.
    Let's go.
    Let's go.
    What? Why?
    I can't do this.
    Why not?
    He's fat!
    The fat one is Derek Jr.
    No, that chubby kid's
    name is fatlander.
    I heard them call him that.
    Don't you get it?
    He switched the "zoo" part
    with "fat".
    That's how he came
    up with "fatlander".
    Fat equals zoo!
    So wait.
    You're saying that just
    because your son is fat
    that makes him some sort
    of terrible person?
    Maybe you're right.
    No, I'm asking.
    Does being fat
    make someone
    a terrible person?
    And I'm agreeing with you.
    I seriously think my fat son
    might be a terrible person.
    And it doesn't make him
    a good person, I know that.
    But I don't know
    what to say.
    I think you better
    puddle-talk it out.
    So I guess
    i have a lot to ponder.
    You sure do.
    What? Who's that?
    I don't know.
    It wasn't me.
    Ghost of Matilda?
    Is that really you?
    Yes, Derek.
    I'm sorry I haven't
    been in touch,
    but I've just been so dead.
    You must love our son.
    He needs you.
    But beware
    of the headmaster.
    What's happening to you?
    Love our son.
    And beware the headmaster.
    I'm the headmaster.
    Derek zoolander...
    ...I'm assuming.
    Because I've never
    met you ever.
    Mr. hansel informs me
    that you'd like
    to see your son.
    Easily arranged. Come.
    I should tell you,
    your son is
    incredibly gifted.
    If you want
    to find the spirits
    in the material world,
    you need to talk
    to the ghost in the machine.
    What? Who is this?
    I have a message
    in a bottle for you,
    so don't go to the police.
    Okay, don't go to the police
    'cause there's a message
    in a bottle.
    Okay, I got it.
    Now go prank call
    someone else, idiot.
    Here they are now.
    Hey, there, sport.
    I hear someone's
    a fat little smartypants.
    I'll leave you to it, then.
    I'm gonna let
    you two catch up
    and maybe hit the spa
    back at the caca.
    Look, I know you have
    a lot of unresolved feelings,
    but I'm still your father.
    You're not my father.
    You weren't there.
    That wasn't my choice.
    I was there when
    you were little.
    Most kids play
    catch with their father.
    They don't go with them
    to a thong shoot.
    There are lots of
    starving children in Africa
    who would die to
    go to a thong shoot.
    Look, let me
    make it up to you.
    Let's go play
    ball-catching now.
    So how's the family
    reunion going?
    Great. I'd like
    to check him out
    for a few hours,
    if that's okay.
    Sure. As long as
    he's back by sundown.
    He seems like a nice guy.
    You seem like an idiot.
    Okay, I think I know
    what would help right now.
    Frozen chocolata gelato!
    Oh, my god!
    Hashtag, oops.
    You know, sometimes
    it takes an extremely
    traumatic experience
    to make you appreciate
    a good makeover.
    Am I right?
    Derek Jr.!
    Are you
    mentally insane?
    What are you reading?
    I am malalalala?
    No books!
    Think of your mother.
    What's the big deal?
    Mom read tons of books.
    And a one-ton book
    killed her.
    The book didn't kill mom.
    You did.
    And you nearly
    killed me, too.
    Come on. Look at us.
    We look ridiculous.
    What, okay,
    maybe your pants
    are a little loose.
    Are you serious
    right now?
    I don't want to be
    anything like you!
    You're a has-been!
    And you are
    the most narcissistic,
    self-involved person
    I've ever met!
    But that's not
    how I think of me.
    I'm going back to school.
    Little Derek,
    come back here!
    I thought we were gonna
    give each other facials!
    How did you learn
    to speak Italian?
    Because I'm smart!
    Mom was smart, too.
    The only stupid thing
    she ever did
    was fall in love with you.
    I don't even have
    the words to express
    what a burn that is.
    I don't know
    what to say.
    No, I mean I literally
    don't have the vocabulary
    to respond.
    You're like
    a walking tyrannosaurus.
    You mean
    "walking thesaurus".
    I don't know.
    I guess it's nice
    that you want to reconnect
    or whatever.
    But we're too different.
    And it's too late.
    Thanks for the gelato.
    Hi there, hansel.
    I heard you
    are on the rebound.
    No, no. I'm still...
    Still committed.
    We're just taking
    a little time to kind of...
    Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
    each other's bodies.
    Oh, damn it.
    Meaningless sex
    always makes me feel
    better about myself.
    Come on.
    We know you're in there!
    Stay here. Stay here.
    Hansel, let us in!
    We want to apologize!
    Come back to the pigpile,
    Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
    I want to be dirty.
    That's it. I've had enough.
    Everybody, back up.
    Back! Back!
    Hello! Hello!
    My gosh.
    Oh, hansel.
    Okay. You guys have a talk.
    I'm going to a bar.
    That's a good idea.
    Yeah, go.
    You are a basic bitch.
    Come on, let's go.
    Come on. Out.
    I can kill you.
    Let me just explain.
    Guys, you didn't
    even give me
    a chance to explain!
    Hansel, how can you expect
    to love 11 people
    when you don't even
    love yourself?
    I hope they were worth it.
    That's not fair.
    Hey, where did everybody go?
    I wasn't done with that hippo.
    Who am I?
    Who am I?
    Hey, hansel.
    Are you trying to figure out
    who you are, also?
    Hey, Katy!
    Yeah, it's like,
    when will we find out
    who we really are?
    I know, right?
    Who am I?
    Neil degrasse Tyson.
    Even you don't
    know who you are?
    In an ever-expanding universe,
    slowly pulling itself apart
    into nothingness,
    what use does the question
    "who am I?" Even have?
    Neil, I got to say,
    you're totally blowing
    my mind right now.
    That's what I do.
    I'm Neil
    degrasse Tyson, bitch.
    Hansel! Derek!
    You have to come
    to interpol!
    I have incredible news!
    We did
    a full diagnostic
    on your aqua vitae look,
    and a linguistics analysis
    on its etymology.
    The direct translation
    is "water of life."
    But many have
    interpreted it another way.
    "The fountain of youth".
    Okay, look, I only
    worked there for a summer.
    And, no, they don't
    give happy endings.
    No, Derek.
    The actual fountain of youth.
    Can you imagine if
    the fountain of youth
    indeed does exist...
    And if alexanya atoz
    could market such a liquid...
    Do you ever
    get that feeling
    when you see
    beautiful teenager girl
    with perfect skin
    and you want to kill her
    and take her skin
    and put it on your skin?
    We bottled that feeling.
    House of atoz yowth milk.
    ...she would make billions.
    Excuse me.
    You are in serious danger.
    Don't stand
    so close to me.
    Come on.
    It's this prank caller again.
    Put it on speaker.
    What... why?
    Just put it
    on speaker!
    Who is this?
    I am your king of pain.
    Every breath this
    guy takes, I'm like,
    "what are you talking about?"
    Oh, Jesus.
    Just meet me
    at Saint Peter's
    basilica at midnight.
    Sounds like this guy's
    really into sting.
    I model my life after sting.
    And bieber was killed
    in front of sting's villa.
    Forgive me, father.
    I have many sins
    that I would like to confess.
    One of my sins has to do with
    the death of Justin bieber.
    No way.
    Hey, Derek.
    Hey, sting.
    And hello, sweet hansel.
    You two know each other?
    Sadly, we've never met.
    And yet I feel like
    I've known you...
    ...my entire life.
    Tell me.
    Have you heard of
    the fountain of youth?
    Yes. Why does everybody
    keep asking me that?
    No, Derek,
    not the hand job joint
    you worked at in soho.
    The real fountain of youth.
    It dates back
    some 6,000 years.
    Its original location
    is thought to have been
    the garden of Eden.
    You mean the turkish bathhouse
    i used to work at in Tribeca?
    No, Derek.
    The garden of Eden.
    The birthplace
    of Adam and Eve
    and Steve.
    Steve? Who's Steve?
    Steve is
    the original supermodel.
    The first of the purebloods.
    He was said
    to be so beautiful,
    with a look so powerful...
    ...that even
    the pools of water
    he gazed upon
    could not reflect
    his beauty back to him.
    That look...
    That look was
    called "El nino".
    But, honestly,
    I've never heard of Steve.
    Countless lives
    throughout history
    have been lost
    to make sure of that.
    Evil forces have hunted
    his offspring for centuries.
    For the legend states
    that if you wrench
    the still-beating heart
    from the gorgeous body
    of a true descendent of Steve
    and drink its blood,
    you will obtain
    eternal beauty.
    So the fountain of youth
    is not a fountain at all.
    The fountain of youth is...
    A person.
    And not just anyone.
    A direct descendent of Steve.
    The chosen one.
    How do you know all this?
    Because I,
    and many rock stars like me,
    are his protectors.
    You see,
    there are only a few genes
    that separate
    the greatest rock stars
    in history from male models.
    Which genes are those?
    The ones for talent
    and intelligence.
    Of course.
    We were entrusted
    to protect the chosen ones.
    But who is the chosen one?
    We believe it is your son.
    And that he is
    in grave danger.
    But he's back at the school!
    We have to get to him
    before something terrible
    happens to him!
    No. Wait.
    Hansel. Look into my eyes.
    Is there anything
    you want to ask me?
    Anything at all?
    Do you really have sex
    for ten hours?
    No comment.
    Farewell, my handsome boy.
    Good-bye, sting.
    Bolt cutters!
    He's gone!
    It's like
    no one was ever here.
    It was a wig.
    It was a wig
    the whole time.
    That was a wig?
    That headmaster
    wasn't a good guy at all!
    No! No! No!
    Derek, relax!
    Don't do it.
    When you want to go to it.
    I need you to pull up
    everything you have
    on the man who was arrested
    back in 2001
    for brainwashing zoolander.
    Facial scans
    to be cross-referenced
    with security footage
    of the headmaster
    of the orphanage.
    It's a positive I.D.
    The headmaster
    didn't have a name or papers.
    Oh, my god.
    It's the evil
    breakdancing dj.
    He was arrested with mugatu
    and his accomplice
    back in 2001.
    It's katinka
    Where are they now?
    disappeared off the grid.
    It looks like the evil dj
    came through the Swiss border
    with forged papers
    about three weeks ago.
    I suppose they could have...
    Driven to Rome
    and kidnapped Derek's son.
    Which means the person
    behind all of this is...
    Who are we talking about?
    Mugatu's in there.
    For ten years,
    there has only been one name
    on the list of visitors
    that he will allow.
    Thank you.
    For what?
    For helping us.
    When I was a little girl
    growing up in albacete,
    my room was covered
    in pictures of
    Derek zoolander.
    The most amazing model alive.
    Except I'm not one anymore.
    My son called me
    a has-been.
    I'm a has-been.
    What kind of has-been
    were you?
    I was a swimsuit model.
    I'm so sorry.
    My heart goes out to you.
    I was never able
    to transition to print
    or runway.
    To your world
    of high fashion.
    Because of these.
    These intrusive,
    oversized naturals.
    These things could never fit
    into a sample size.
    You need to go
    for this now...
    Not later. Now.
    Hansel, are you serious?
    While Matilda lies
    warm in her grave?
    Matilda's been dead for years.
    You need to move on.
    Honestly, by now
    she's just a couple of teeth.
    A piece of spine.
    Maybe a little skull fragment,
    like that guy from
    tales from the crypt.
    The crypt keeper.
    Hansel, stop it!
    I'm not ready.
    The world's most
    notorious fashion criminals
    are in there.
    Be careful, Derek.
    He'll try to get
    inside your head.
    Don't worry.
    It's closed for business.
    Give 'em hell, Derek.
    You're goin' down,
    You're goin' down,
    listen to me!
    You better
    listen to the hammer!
    Can't touch this!
    No! No! Zoolander
    can't touch mugatu! No!
    Shut up, hammer!
    Members only. Members only.
    Epaulettes are not a crime.
    Smart casual. Smart casual.
    You can't touch him!
    Mr. hammer is wrong!
    Derek zoolander.
    I've been expecting you.
    What have you done
    with my son?
    Our most
    overrated appendage.
    When not allowed
    the use of them,
    you'd be surprised how quickly
    feet can be trained to do
    the exact same thing.
    Your son
    is doing wonderfully.
    From what the school tells
    my offshore accountant...
    He's incredibly smart.
    Your accountant?
    Who do you think paid
    for that fancy orphanage?
    When he was taken away
    from you,
    someone had to make sure
    he got his eight square meals
    a day.
    Eight? You bastard!
    I'm sorry. I'd love
    to keep talking about this,
    but I seem to have developed
    a nasty itch.
    I'd ask you
    to scratch it for me,
    but no doubt you'd think i
    was just trying to trick you.
    Or you're trying to make me
    think I shouldn't help you.
    In which case,
    i should do the opposite
    of that and help you.
    Or don't help me.
    I think that's even
    a better option.
    You're trying to
    switch it around on me,
    but I won't take the bait.
    Sorry, mugatu.
    I'm going with
    my first instinct.
    And helping you.
    I really wish you wouldn't.
    Too late. The die is cast.
    I'd prefer that you didn't.
    I'm going to do it.
    Please don't.
    Let me go!
    Not until you
    untie my straitjacket
    and put it on, okay?
    If I do,
    will you let me go?
    Which means you
    will let me go.
    So I'll do it.
    Oh, my gosh.
    Check and mate, mugatu.
    Your move.
    You really are an idiot,
    aren't you?
    Like, super, super white hot,
    blazingly stupid.
    For ten long years...
    I've been plotting my escape
    from this dreadful place.
    For ten long years.
    For ten long years.
    Ten years spent creating
    some of the most realistic
    and lifelike masks...
    ...ever made.
    One for you.
    And one for me.
    All so that today...
    ...you can become me!
    And I can become...
    That's it?
    You'll never get
    away with this.
    All of the guards here
    are former male models.
    Somehow I don't think
    it's gonna be a problem.
    Guard! Guard!
    Will that be all,
    Mr. zoolander?
    That will be all.
    Come back here, mugatu!
    Go get Derek!
    Go get Derek!
    And tell my orgy
    i love them!
    Where's my goddamn latte?
    Oh, and, um, here.
    What's that?
    I missed you, too.
    Oh, no.
    Hey, sorry to interrupt.
    don atari,
    what are you doing here?
    Don't you knuck?
    Mugatu? What? No way, dude.
    I thought you were
    supposed to be in jail, dude.
    You're like some
    dangerous criminal
    that tried to assassinate
    a world leader, dude.
    That was some crazy
    retro-bond shit.
    So corny. I loved it.
    Who are you?
    Uh, hello! I know you been
    all shawshanked out,
    but, like, seriously,
    I'm the new stupid king
    of fashion, whatever.
    don atari, baby.
    So you know
    who I am, right?
    Derelicte was the dumbest,
    You and spongebob are,
    honestly, like, my biggest
    influences ever, dude.
    And did you just
    escape from prison
    in the most
    ingenious way possible?
    Uh, what?
    And did you engineer
    the abduction
    and fattening of
    the son of zoolander,
    and delivery
    of the chosen one
    for ritual sacrifice
    as the key to
    the fountain of youth?
    Did you?
    Did you? Did you do that?
    Did you say "naw"?
    I... I said..."Naw".
    So, I just want
    to ask you again.
    Do you know
    who I am?
    Whatever, you're...
    I'm jaca-boo-who?
    Jacobim mugatu.
    That's right!
    I'm jacobim mugatu!
    Fashion genius.
    And you...
    You are no one!
    Do you understand me?
    No one!
    I'm the mamba bajamba!
    I'm the mamba bajamba!
    You'll take my name
    into death!
    You should know, I actually
    care about everybody
    and everything very truly...
    That's right!
    I just killed
    a little hipster!
    Prison changed me deeply!
    It affected me
    I'm a psycho!
    This is just the beginning.
    Watch out!
    Buyer beware!
    Now where is that
    chubby little blood fountain?
    Guys, mugatz
    just killed atari.
    For serious?
    Also, they're going
    to kill your son tonight.
    Hang on. I'm gonna try
    and get more intel.
    What's going on?
    Why did you kidnap me?
    I didn't kidnap you.
    Don't be a silly-Billy.
    I'm just a fun,
    non-threatening clown,
    that's what I am.
    Who wants to massively
    increase your caloric intake.
    Come here.
    There's an all-you-can-eat
    pasta bar.
    Spicy hot pasta puttanesca.
    Which means
    "whore's pasta"!
    As in a whore,
    who made this pasta.
    Doesn't that look delicious?
    Next, an all-you-can-eat
    lard bar.
    Squirt, piggy, squirt!
    Squirt it! Squirt!
    All the lard you want!
    Fill your little
    tummy full of lard!
    Hansel, where is he now?
    He's okay.
    It's actually kind of nice.
    Mugatu's hooked him up
    with some snacks.
    He's got like a lard bar
    and some cheesecake and stuff.
    Oh, and pasta, too.
    Oh, no. You're right.
    He's fattening him
    for the slaughter.
    You can drop
    this stupid act.
    I know who you are.
    You're Jacob moogberg.
    And you're supposed
    to be in jail.
    Hey! Jacob moogberg died
    the day I put ebony and ivory
    on skinny satin neckwear!
    You hear me?
    Okay. I got to make my move.
    You listen to me,
    biggie smalls.
    I went to prison!
    You better scarf down that
    last bowl of whore pasta!
    We roll in two!
    You okay in there,
    little fella?
    We should call
    the police boat!
    They'll never get here
    in time.
    Who says swimsuit models
    are useless?
    Wait. What are you doing?
    How long can you
    hold your breath?
    Take me from behind, Derek.
    And grab me like your life
    depends on it.
    Not like this.
    Like this!
    For safety. And buoyancy.
    Wait. What?
    We are swimming back
    to Rome.
    Oh, okay.
    I just talked to your dad.
    And we've got to get you
    out of here pronto.
    I never want
    to see him again.
    What're you talking about?
    Your dad's a great guy.
    He loves you
    like you're his own.
    I am his own!
    He's literally
    the worst father ever!
    Do you know
    it would break
    your mom's heart
    to hear you bugging out
    on your dad like this?
    You knew my mom?
    Oh, yeah. One of the most
    amazing women I ever met.
    You didn't want to
    cross her in the sack.
    Those hips of hers
    would put a love lock
    on you to beat the band.
    Wait, what?
    I remember there
    was one night,
    she had me and your dad
    absolutely twisted in knots.
    I was driving
    the freight train,
    your dad's tearing tickets
    in the caboose.
    She had a mouth
    like Chinese fingercuffs.
    You know where you, like,
    try to pull it out but it
    just keeps getting tighter...
    Stop it! God.
    Look... I'm not going.
    Well, mugatu's planning
    to crack your chest open,
    cut your heart
    out with a knife,
    and drink your blood!
    Here he comes.
    Everything's gonna be okay.
    It's okay, it's okay.
    I was exaggerating.
    It's d-day, little dumpling.
    You're an amazing swimmer.
    Why are you doing this?
    Don't talk with
    your mouth full.
    It's soaking wet!
    It's ruined!
    How are we gonna
    reach hansel?
    We need a phone.
    Wait a minute.
    Like this one?
    Hansel, where are you?
    I don't know.
    Some kind of tunnel.
    I think we're underneath
    the incrediball.
    It smells like the ruins
    of an ancient bathhouse.
    It's at the caracalla baths.
    I'll drop a pin
    or a needle or whatever
    and you can track
    my coordinates.
    They'll never let us in
    looking like this.
    Interpol fashion division!
    We need your vehicle
    and your clothes. Now!
    Why is Anna wintour walking
    away from the red carpet?
    We have to get in there.
    Every bathhouse
    I've ever worked at
    always had a rear entrance.
    I'm sure this
    one's no different.
    Come on.
    This is definitely it.
    If I feel around here
    long enough,
    I should be able
    to find the hole...
    Boy, am I glad
    to see you guys.
    Hansel, my son is going
    to die hating me.
    Hating you?
    The last time I saw him,
    he couldn't stop talking about
    how much he loves you.
    He said that?
    Yes. I mean,
    I'm kind of paraphrasing,
    and you had to read
    between the lines,
    but, basically.
    Shut up!
    Can we talk about this later?
    Yeah, come on.
    Let's go!
    This way.
    That's Alexander wang.
    And Vera wang.
    Both wangs.
    Marc Jacobs.
    Tommy hilfiger.
    They are all here
    for the sacrifice.
    In the beginning of time,
    god created Adam and Eve...
    ...and Steve!
    We don't have backup yet.
    Jacobeem mugowto
    has deliver us...
    ...the choosen why-yun.
    And behold,
    god expunged Steve
    from the garden,
    only to redeem us
    with eternal youth...
    ...bathed in the blood
    of the fat little chosen one!
    Derek, don't.
    I don't care
    if you're fat anymore,
    Derek Jr.
    I love you.
    Look, I have made
    a lot of mistakes in my life,
    but you are by far
    the best one.
    I was a mistake?
    I think so.
    To tell you the truth,
    we were having so much sex,
    i can't remember.
    Tell me about it, muchacho.
    You're beautiful.
    You have the fire.
    You just need to believe it.
    The fire?
    The fire in your face.
    I lost it the day
    i killed your mom.
    Oh, look. It's a sad,
    scared little boy
    talking to his fat son
    about their feelings.
    You are responsible
    for all this!
    You lured me to Italy
    so you could escape
    from prison.
    You made don atari
    and alexanya hire me
    to set this trap.
    But enough is enough!
    Enough is enough!
    Eat my blade, junior!
    Time to die,
    chubby checker!
    Magnum, buddy. Now.
    I can do this.
    That did not work at all.
    It just doesn't hold up,
    does it?
    You sleuthed
    the whole thing out, Derek,
    but failed to de-sleuth
    the most important
    piece of the puzzle.
    I owned
    the construction company
    that built
    the center for kids
    who can't read good.
    I personally made
    sure they cut corners.
    But that means that...
    That's right, juju bean.
    That's how I
    killed your mother!
    On CBS, right after
    two broke girls.
    Dad, it wasn't you!
    It wasn't...
    Wait. You called me "dad".
    Oh, I guess I did.
    Now you don't have
    the ceremonial knife!
    Which means,
    no fountain of youth!
    Come on, Derek!
    We need the blood!
    Stop being so emotional,
    Just give him
    the goddamn knife.
    Derek, we need the blood!
    Blood of Steve!
    Blood of Steve!
    Blood of Steve!
    Blood of Steve!
    Blood of Steve!
    Give him back the knife,
    Blood of Steve!
    Blood of Steve!
    Shut up, Valentino!
    Just shut up!
    Everyone shut up!
    There is no
    fountain of youth!
    I mean,
    Adam and Eve and Steve?
    Are you serious?
    You actually believed
    that crap?
    It's literally
    the stupidest thing
    I've ever heard!
    I get it if
    Alexander wang believes it,
    but the rest of you, come on!
    Oh, please.
    Without me, you'd still
    be cutting patterns
    at men's wearhouse.
    Oh, look,
    it's the white witch
    from narnia!
    Oh, no, I'm sorry
    it's just Anna wintour.
    I'll knock your teeth out!
    I'll rip your
    goddamn tongue out!
    Check out the new
    spring collection
    from hilfiger.
    Brought to you
    by white privilege!
    You couldn't
    make a down jacket
    to save your life!
    I don't understand.
    You're saying
    the legend isn't true?
    Why are you doing
    all of this, then?
    Because Marc,
    by Marc Jacobs...
    ...i knew there'd only be
    one thing that would gather
    the entire
    idiotic fashion world
    into one place with no exit!
    Todd! Doors!
    Todd! Silks!
    For years you all left me
    to die in a stinking cell!
    Well, now it's my turn!
    I was living
    a peaceful life
    of reclusion.
    Why drag me into this?
    Because my big issue is...
    ...i hate you,
    Derek zoolander!
    Then why kill all
    those pop stars?
    Why kill Justin bieber?
    Really? You're asking me
    why I killed Justin bieber?
    Todd! Pooch!
    It's a bomb!
    Not just any bomb.
    A device,
    designed by Philippe starck
    in collaboration
    with al-qaeda
    for their new spring
    explosive collection.
    Todd! Floor!
    When I throw this
    into this ancient
    pool of lava,
    it will overflow,
    killing everyone in fashion.
    Leaving only me.
    You can't kill fashion!
    I'm afraid fashion
    already killed itself.
    Mugatu! I'm coming across!
    Heat is a temporal construct
    of the mind.
    It doesn't exist.
    It's so hot! It's hot!
    Stop it, hansel! Stop it!
    Derek, toss me the knife.
    You got it!
    So stupid.
    What the hell
    is your problem?
    You guys are
    the absolute worst.
    Put the bomb down, mugatu!
    Oh, you're the
    bubble-butted playboy model
    trying to take me down.
    Swimsuit model!
    Sports illustrated cover,
    three years in a row!
    Game on, my sexy sister.
    They're sexy fighting!
    Tommy likee.
    Hey, idiots!
    Maybe this will
    get your attention!
    I've got a bomb in my hand
    and it's armed!
    Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!
    Fly, baby, fly!
    Bust it out!
    Yes! I knew it.
    Hansel, I need your help.
    Here, let me try!
    It's not working!
    Derek, it's not working!
    I can't hold it, hansel!
    I don't have it!
    You've got your son!
    I've got nothing.
    Not anymore, hansel.
    Who's your daddy now?
    I don't know
    who my daddy is!
    That's the whole point!
    I am your father.
    Holy shit. Sting?
    Let's do this now.
    Nice try, but that
    looks about as powerful
    as your fat son's...
    I'm not fat!
    He's plus size.
    And I've got the fire.
    El nino! It's real.
    It's so beautiful.
    The prophecy was true.
    He is the chosen one.
    He's still so hot right now.
    No way! It's a glitter bomb!
    Looks like
    you still have it.
    I guess I do.
    Well, we do.
    Your face!
    How bad is it?
    Welcome to my world, bro.
    - Hansel!
    - Hansel!
    What are they doing here?
    I knew how much
    they meant to you,
    so I called them
    on the way over.
    You did that for me?
    You're the best friend
    anyone could ever ask for,
    Derek zoolander.
    You look so beautiful. Oh.
    We missed you so much.
    And I've missed you, too.
    And I'm ready to be a father.
    To all our children.
    Minus one.
    I lost my baby.
    I guess
    kicking the door down
    wasn't such a good idea.
    We're going to be a family,
    that's all that matters.
    Wait. Are you sure?
    You're right. We shouldn't.
    Hey. It's okay, dad.
    I don't think mom would mind.
    Go to her, Derek.
    You're cool with it?
    I'm totally cool with it.
    I'm dead.
    Literally nothing
    bothers me anymore.
    Oh, and guess what?
    Mugatu live-streamed
    all of this
    to every fashion blog
    on the planet.
    Everybody loves
    you guys again.
    Did you hear that?
    We did it. We're back.
    And famous.
    And totally self-realized.
    Are you thinking
    what I'm thinking?
    If you're thinking...
    Lava pool party!
    They're back!
    After six weeks
    in the burn ward,
    their disgusting
    facial scars healed
    by a miraculous
    hot lava treatment
    Derek zoolander and hansel
    owning the runway once again
    after exposing
    fashion's top designers
    in yet another
    human sacrifice scandal.
    This time with the aid
    of interpol agent
    Valentina valencia,
    now zoolander's wife.
    The two recently broke ground
    for the Valentina valencia
    center for swimsuit models
    who want to be taken seriously
    and maybe transition
    into law enforcement too.
    Hansel, definitely back
    and fully self-realized.
    Now a model parent.
    And father of ten.
    As crowds at
    Paris fashion week
    go cray-cray for
    Derek zoolander, Jr.,
    the world's hottest
    plus size model-slash-
    national book award winner-
    one-half celebrity couple
    Yes, these three are
    totally on fleek...
    Redefining what it means
    to be really, really,
    ridiculously good-looking.


    Who would put Brandon Roy on the starters over Kobe?


    ur the goat


    Is there a 15 million draft so far?